A Highly Incendiary News Article


*Content below is completely fictitious and for humor purposes only. The following events did not actually occur. Please do not reference as a reliable source as you will be laughed at, rolled in organic honey, and tossed into a pile Phil Robertson’s beard clippings. You’re welcome.*

There lives in a lonely, lonely town a piranha named Steve. He likes to play with matches. All the other piranhas think he that is a bit weird. They make fun of him. But this goes largely unnoticed because all the piranhas in a single pond in the backyard of one Mrs. McGregor, widow of the late military hero John McGregor who fought in the little remembered 1990 Conflict in the Falkland Islands. (To this day, nobody is really sure what the conflict was about, but at least three hundred donkeys suffered mild injuries.) Mrs. McGregor has grown rather reclusive in her later years and only socializes with her piranhas, 3 cats, and invisible unicorn named Larry. (We have been unable confirm or disprove the existence of said unicorn.) The backstory on Mrs. McGregor has been included for reasons unknown to yours truly, but our editor insisted. (I think he might be her nephew.)

Now what, you say, is news-worthy about this curious Steve? Well, even aside from his unique and pyrotechnic, Steve also happens to be a newly discovered lime-green species of piranha the scientific community is calling Serrasalmus igniscinis. He is the first of his kind to be documented! In fact, as far as we know, Steve may be the only one of his kind in existence.

This raises troubling questions. Namely: Where is Steve going to find a baby momma for his future pescatarian offspring if he is the only Serrasalmus ignicinis in existence? Do all Serrasalmus ignicinis possess an affinity for fire?  And most disturbingly of all . . . Who is supplying a piranha with matches?

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